Men & Violence

Violence is more than anger
Domestic violence refers to behaviours where one person is exerting power over another. Most
people think of domestic violence as only physical violence, but it can be in the form of sexual, financial and emotional abuse.

In over 90% of cases, the victims of abuse are women. This statistic acknowledges that a proportion of victims are male. Violence can occur in families from all ethnic, educational and economic backgrounds.

Why does it happen?

Some males grow up believing that they should have power and control over their partners. If control can’t be achieved by conventional methods then they feel it’s acceptable to use violence.
In some cases, these men have either witnessed or received abuse in their own families during childhood. While alcohol and drugs are often triggers for a person to use violence towards another, they do not cause people to be violent. The acceptable use of violence is part of a person’s attitudes and beliefs.
Domestic Violence knows no boundaries, it happens across all cultural, educational and economic
backgrounds.

Are you feeling out of control and often Angry?

Domestic Violence is more than anger. Men who are violent use a number of methods to control their partner’s behaviour. Not all of the forms of domestic violence are physical. There are subtle forms of domestic violence like;
• Demands for sexual intercourse when one person does not wish to participate, threats of physical
   violence during sex, or forcing a person to participate in acts he or she does not wish to perform;
• Continued verbal harassment, put downs, insults, name calling and swearing;
• Not allowing your partner to have friends, isolating your partner from the family, denying her access  
   to the car or telephone;
• One person takes total control of the family income so that the other person is either allowed no 
   money or money only for household expenses and nothing for personal use;
• This may include verbal abuse. It occurs most often in the form of humiliation, threats, and insults,
    harassment or constant criticism.

Even though these are harder to recognise, they are still forms of violence.

What can I do to be more aware of how I am treating my partner?
Did you know that when you criticise and belittle your partner, you attack those things that are important to her, that make her special? These are also the qualities that, when you are not being a
bully you admire about her. By being nasty, mean-spirited, cruel and vindictive or by using past secrets or personal information to hurt your partner you are seriously damaging your relationship and undermining the trust. Trust is the most essential ingredient to maintain a close, intimate relationship.
Emotional abuse comes in many forms and is always destructive. Always think about what your intention is, be honest with yourself. Even if others can’t tell that you are hurting your partner by what you are saying or how you are treating her - You Know.

Is your intention to make her feel bad, to feel less than you? The result of your abuse will be that your partner will most likely distance herself from you to protect herself from being hurt. Is this what you
want? When you find yourself wanting to hurt your partner, by using cruel and hurtful words or by criticising her in a way that you know will hurt ... STOP! .................. Take five slow deep breaths .................. THINK!.............. Do I want to hurt the person who matters most to me?.........
FOCUS!

Control of myself, not control by hurting the people I love.

Get help

Getting help is a sign of strength and courage. You can call the Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline on 1800 000 599 or the Men’s Line on 1300 789 978.

(Reproduced in part from ‘How to deal with domestic violence’, a self-help booklet produced by the Domestic Violence Prevention Unit, Women’s Policy Development Office.)

How can men change?

Before any man can change violent or  intimidating behaviour, he needs to understand that the way he behaves  stops women from feeling safe. For a man to want to change his behaviour, a number of factors have to happen. He must:

• acknowledge he has a problem;

• be committed to change;

• believe that change is possible;

• deal with his own abusive memories.

It’s likely that men will need to seek professional counselling. For the relationship to work out, the man needs to realise how important it is for the woman to feel safe and have trust in her partner.

Services for males experiencing violence

Men who experience domestic violence can call the Men’s Domestic Violence Helpline on 1800 000 599.